Last updated on January 28th, 2018 at 08:57 am
This week I am posting reviews from various hotels I stayed at in Minneapolis/St. Paul in May/June of this year. Our Internet here in Tahiti has been so poor that I can’t really upload new photos. The first post in this series was the Marriott Minneapolis City Center. Today we have the Saint Paul Hotel.
The last time I stayed at the St. Paul Hotel was in 2004. My brother got married to the love of his life and this was the hotel recommendation for guests. Bill Clinton was president then. Just kidding, it was Dubya.
This hotel has not changed one iota since my stay in 2004. It is the exact same hotel in every way. That is not a good thing.
Back in 2004, when I didn’t know any better, I thought that this was a nice hotel. In 2015, I think that this hotel is horribly out of date, out of touch with reality and out of consideration for future stays, no matter how cheap the rate.
The Saint Paul Hotel is an icon in downtown Saint Paul
As a long time Minnesotan, I realize that I am attacking the establishment with the upcoming tone of my review. This post will probably strike a nerve. There are people who have visited this hotel for years, eaten at the restaurant inside (the Saint Paul Grill, which I actually really enjoy) for years, and consider this to be the fanciest hotel this side of the Mississippi.
Fun fact: did you know that TV and radio call signs start with a K if they are west of the Mississippi and W if east of the Mississippi? It is in Wikipedia, and therefore true.
I fully expect to get Tater Tot Hotdish thrown at me in the most passive aggressive Minnesota nice way possible.
But I have to say it: This hotel is in desperate need of modernization.
The Bedroom: It’s just like staying in your grandparents guest bedroom
We have all stayed in a guest bedroom that has the best intentions, but makes you wish you had stayed in a hotel. Let’s use staying with Grandparents for example (not my Grandparents of course, they are awesome).
They invested in their guest bedroom when they bought the house in the 1970s, buying top of the line linens, embossed pillow cases and hand stitched emblems of an era of free love and decadence.
Now their bedroom set is antiquated, but and not in that good antique way that is worth money. Antiquated as in uncomfortable and impractical for anyone to stay more than a few nights.
That is what it is like to stay at the St. Paul Hotel.
The imposing built in furniture closes in the room to the point where it suffocates you like an unbreathable mesh of polyester.
You carefully try to walk to the other side of the bed without disturbing the Armoire built around the focal point of the bedroom: a 36 inch tube television that weighs 800 pounds (approximated).
There is no desk to get any work done.
Sure, the hotel has modernized. Now you can get two free k-cups of pisswater coffee before you have to start paying $3.00 to caffeinate.
And if you want to drink water directly from the lips of a Roman statue, you can do so for $5.00.
Feeling claustrophobic? Simply open the windows to remember you are not alone in this world.
Behind the Golden Curtain
We all love guest showers, right? The anticipation that builds up behind a golden curtain (literally in this case). The hope for travertine tiles and rain-shower heads dashed when we observe the American classic tub with shower combination.
If water pressure is something you desire, stay elsewhere. No water pressure here. But, if you want a slow-to-drain death trap tub that is coated in teflon, this is the hotel for you! As a bonus, you can save water by simply standing in 3 inches of your own filth while you see suds circle the drain in futility.
But, I have to give them credit for the one modern touch of this bathroom, the Quartz-Composite countertops. It looks like Menards had a sale on counter-tops since my 2004 visit, because this tiny bathroom now sparkles when clean.
And in the picture above, I hope you catch a glimpse of the compact space we are working with here. It feels like a New York hotel room. That toilet is the smallest toilet ever made. I vowed to not post toilet pictures in my reviews, but I didn’t say no descriptions. This toilet is the worst toilet. If you want to sit in comfort, your best bet is to put one or both of your legs into the shower.
This bathroom is the worst hotel bathroom I have witnessed in my last 300 nights of traveling.
Despite all of this, I managed a smile in the mirror when I did my walk through of the hotel room. Mr. Brightside doesn’t have any idea what he’s in for.
The Verdict
I was genuinely excited to stay at this hotel when I booked it. My speech was in downtown St. Paul, and this was the conference hotel.
When I got to my room I laughed out loud at how little things have changed since 2004. Some people may consider the heavily embroidered fabric and gigantic wooden furniture to be charming or even classy. I considered the hotel to be in desperate need of modernization.
Until that modernization takes place, I find this hotel to be grossly overpriced and would recommend staying elsewhere. Not that there are many great options in downtown St. Paul, but you will be happier elsewhere.
